Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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