you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize