I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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