quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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