no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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