then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
