I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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