remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
