Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
