Well douche your snatch and let's go!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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