if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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