I feel great
I just peed on a car
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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