My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
