I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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