You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
