she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
