i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize