it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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