I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
