atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
