so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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