Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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