she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
