she looked like the before picture.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
