Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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