Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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