a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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