so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I look better un-naked...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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