dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
