I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
