we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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