I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
