i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
