I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
