I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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