I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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