I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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