Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
