pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
