Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
