Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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