threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
