Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
