I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
