Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
