I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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