Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You have to summon your inner elephant
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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