if i can run in heels then i can drive
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
