I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
