wrigley field is MILF paradise
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
