When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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