My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
