im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
