Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
