I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
