I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
how drunk are you?
Several
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
