I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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