I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
