just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She's the barista slut.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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