mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
