after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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