As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
